Ms. Boreson
Expository Writing
Winter Break Narrative
1/13/09
Winter Narrative
Winter Break is really the only time for me to relax and spend time with my family. But sometimes I think everyone has the feeling like they are drowning in holiday spirit. For me, it seemed like that’s how most of my break went. One exception was being able to get out the house with my friend Amy and my sister Chantal. Eating out and going to the movies doesn’t really seem like much. But, if you spent two weeks in the same house with the people I did, then you would understand what I mean.
The day started out a little awkward. Our little group of friends hadn’t gotten together in awhile. Once we got to the restaurant and the conversation got going, we were back to out old selves. Before we knew it we were being louder than most people around up were comfortable with. People were staring at us more than I was comfortable with. So, we decided to leave.
None of us wanted to go home. We spent almost half an hour in the parking lot deciding on something else to do. In the end we decided to go to Centerra and watch a movie. Before the movie, we walked around the mall. Our little group was walking down the side walk when we saw a huge, black SUV pull up right next to us. Two teenage guys jumped out and asked us if they could show us a new dance move. When we said yes, some guy who was still in their car blasted some music. The two guys outside the car started to do one of the most stupid looking dances I had ever seen. They called it, “The Stanky Leg.” It is almost impossible to describe but maybe the name gives away how dumb it looked. All of us thought it was pretty hilarious. So did all of the other people who stopped to watch them.
My winter break was mostly boring. I was dying to get out of the house and away from my parents. Eating out and going to the movies can seem really boring since most of us do that all the time. The fun part of the whole day was making a good time out of something that could have been nothing and it was good to hang out with an old friend. I will probably forget the whole experience sooner or later, but these are the kinds of experiences that made my winter break more fun.
I felt like there were a few things missing from your essay that your could have cauht by reading it aloud. Transitions, sentence variety, and focus all need to be areas that you are mindful of with your other essays. I was wondering if you were really interested in this topic? That always makes a difference with you.
ReplyDeleteAudience and Purpose: 2.7
Format: 4
Total: 40/50 80%
I thought that your story was interesting and it had funny details. There were a couple grammar mistakes but not a lot. Overall it was good but if you would've used more variety in sentence sturcture and word choice it would be even better.
ReplyDeleteI liked your story because it was very honest. The truth is, that sometimes those little experiences (going to the movies) are the funnest.I noticed, though, that you had a bunch of run on sentences. There was also some spelling errors, maybe just due to typing. For the most part, you had a really good story that I enjoyed reading.
ReplyDeleteOk, for one that name that dance was pretty funny. You pur some great effort into this effort. The flow was really good to me atleast. there were a couple of spelling errors. but everything else was good. good
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